jesus fucking christ

ive only been awake for 15 minutes and im already struggling not to cry. hows that for motivation to get up in the morning..

i hate my entire family. all they want is the deepest pain and unhappiness for me and honestly, i think i need a change of angle. so theres no more cutting, no binging, no smoking weed/cigs, none of that. that does more damage to me initially then it does to them. so im going to try something new.

its just been a while, since i forgot you didnt love me anymore..

like im fucking sick of it. im so over it. theyre fucking sick disgusting freaks. my dad will scream at me about how much he doesnt love me and how useless i am compared to my brother and sister; then two hours later he'll be fucking nearly beating me up because he said 'i love you' and i said it wasnt true. you dont love me. you dont have a heart, you dont have a soul, you are truly a very terrible person. and i dont any of you at all, not for a single second.

i may be a heartless bitch who has no conscience, but you will never, ever be loved and it helps me rise to my feet again every morning knowing that you will always lack the one thing that you would die for.

so heres the new plan..

finish up this school year, get a job!!!!!!, starve until im 98 lbs and absolutely gorgeous, spend my summer working/tanning/shopping/summerschool/drinking/dancing/fucking/partying the hot hot days and sexxy summer nights away..

p.s i laugh extra hard when i see your indignant grumpy disgruntled fat ugly smelly useless unloveable fighting obese asses fighting with eachother because the patheticness of your entire being is not only hilarious and extremely avengeful but it is also motivating.

the only way i can truly torture them is by being so thin and beautiful that their jealous destroys them even more than it is now.

wish me luck

hot yoga this morning..i nearly puked by then end of the hour and a half..it was 39 degrees celsius holy shit

butttt..-854 cal haha thats sick

plus i went for a short jog and climbed some stairs

i had 3 stalks of celery and a bit of salsa..i'll give it 50 cal maybe

i skipped my whole dinner though, saying my stomach was upset etc.

then my dad cuts me basically a fucking quarter of this biig ooey gooey strawberry and rhubarb pie with ice cream AND whipped cream and just plops it down right infront of me

like are you really that fucking dumb i just skipped your whole steak dinner with appetizers and now you honestly expect me to be stupid enough to a) eat the pie despite the fact that i just spent 20 minutes complaining about how sick i am b) just completely forget that my stomach is cramping so badly, that every 10 seconds a splash of acid hits my ulcer and it basically feels so bad that i want to tear my hair out and scream cause i cant do a damn thing about it and it never goes away. ever.

ive been waiting for my fucking specialist appointment since fucking october and I finally get to see the guy and guess what....

I HAVENT SEEN SHIT FUCKING ALL IMPROVE IN THE SLIGHTEST YET SO ALL YOU FUCKING HIGH HORSE PHONY DOCTORS CAN TAKE YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT 'DEGREES' AND 'CERTIFICATES' AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS AND KEEP YOUR FUCKING SLAGGING LOUD MOUTHES SHUT ABOUT HOW MY PROBLEMS MAY BE CAUSED BY ALCOHOL OR DRUGS BECAUSE THEYRE NOT IN ANY WAY AND UNTIL YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT I DONT WANNA HEAR A DAMN WHINY FUCKIN NOTE OFF YOUR GREEDY, MONEY HUNGRY LIPS ABOUT WHAT I SHOULDNT BE DOING ABOUT IT.

im so pissed. i havent blazed all day cause i have no weed/money and im tentatively trying to quit so as you can see (or read, for that matter), im a touch on edge. and about to stab anyone who gives me a wrong look with a fucking 20 inch blade

well..i fucked up yesterday after all..i had bruschetta and devils food cake and such at my friends..i felt so fucking guilty yesterday when i was weighed at the doctors and he said 140 (right back where i started). but todays good so far..

b-none
l-green tea with sweetener (0 cal)
s-none
d-1 shrimp (11 cal) and a tiny bit of watermelon (30)

i have to eat with my family tonight (ugh i hate them..) and theyre having shrimp, asian noodle salad, and watermelon with feta. so im not even going to take any of the noodles, i'll take a portion of shrimp and eat 1, and im going to skip the feta and just have some watermelon cause its very low cal.

i actually worked out a little today too, even though my mom refused (AGAIN, fucking cow) to take me to hot yoga. so i said like hell was i going to let 1 slobby bossy fat ugly annoying cow keep me from being thin, so i went for a short jog and lifted some weights.

So im going to blaze and listen to some music cause for once i actually feel not so incredibly ugly and obese and just unwanted in general..

okay well this is it. i dont know how many times ive said this before but i need to get my act together asap. its almost june and im 140, right back where i started. i undid all the progress ive made. i almost cried today in the doctors office. i dont think it will be that hard for me to starve because i dont need to eat breakfast or lunch or snacks and i can just pick at dinner. and i need to exercise more, like go to hot yoga as many times as possible and do some other exercises too. i just cant eat anything at all ever during the day except a tiny tiny 100 cal or under portion of dinner and i will do some kind of exercise 6 days a week. i have 30 days to lose 30 pounds and be 110. then from there i want to continue into the summer and eventually be 98 lbs. i hope it doesnt look weirdly bony..im 5'7. thats bmi 15.3... is that sick? to want to be that skinny? i just want to be so skinny that i can look at myself and be like holy fuck im tiny because ive been above normal weights for such a long time and i just want to be skinny so skinny. i think that updating regularly would help me stay on track..not that anyone reads this but i would have to post my intake and exercise every day. i wanna get strong enough to do sit ups and push ups and crazy yoga poses so i need to lift weights and stuff. cause then i can do those in my room without anyone knowing im exercising. im buying new clothes at the end of june so by june 21 i aim to be at most 110 lbs. i also need to get an athletic banquet dress and like heels and jewelry and stuff even though im not going im going to tell my mom i am and just buy some new stuff. i have a feeling that if i ever do get to be like 98 lbs that pants would be too baggy on me cause im 5'7 and i would have really thin legs. i guess i'll wear more skinny jeans and leggings. and there are smaller sizes in the states, more stores have 00 and stuff like forever 21 so i can go to some of those places in the summer.

holy shit thats long

yesterday:
b-none
l- 1 rice cake (40 cal)
s-none
d-meatball sub :( :( :( :( [entirely purged less than 2 mins after consumption]
s- a few green grapes (30 cal)
total intake: i'll say 90 cal incase i didnt quite get all the sub out

not too bad i suppose but today will be better

b-none
l-none
s-none
d-?? (tiny bites!!)

i am fuckin loving how my mom and sister are gone by like 7 every morning. makes my mornings so much more stress free. plus my dads gone at 6 every morning so its just me and my brother and hes always still sleeping so i can have alot more freedom, which is nice. Theres no one telling me what to do. i can wake up, blaze or do whatever, and then take my time getting ready and then just catch the next bus to school. much easier than trying to blaze starve and get ready with some screeching screaming insane 200+ lbs. psychotic demon called my 'mom' shrieking that 'GET IN THE CAR NOW! YOU HEAR ME!' (to my great amusement some days, although)